Why my Gma can out muscle your Gma

By far the sauciest woman I know...

• She says, "Leaving the house without a watch is like leaving the house without panties." I have subscribed to this theory for most of my life and if I leave the house without a watch my day is pretty much shot.
• I have to be careful on the compliments that I give her because she will give me the necklace off her neck, the bracelet off her wrist, the earrings off her ears... just to make me happy.
• She reminds me to, "hace pee pee," every time before leaving the house.
• She always smells like sweet Shalimar. A woman wore this in my old office and every time I smelled it, I'd have to resist the urge to hug her (and I didn't even like her very much).
• She compliments me on my nose at dinner, saying it looks like a lil turd (un mojonsito)... this sounds way cuter in Spanish.
• She's made me Puerto Rican coffee morning, noon and night, since I was little.
• She has been celebrating her Sweet Sixteen for the past 30 years.
• She's a die-hard Mets fan.
• She just recently retired but not because she was tired. 
• She recently told me that I remind her of one of those women from her novela... quite possible the best compliment I've ever received.
• She feeds her dog coffee and adobo chicken, which makes me jealous, which makes me kinda sad because that dog eats better than I do.
• Did I mention her dog's name is Chucky?
• Did I mention Chucky is a she? She was insistent on having a dog named Chucky and although the dog we found her was a girl... she was already committed to the name.
• She knows who Daddy Yankee is and is a fan of Reggaeton.
• Living in NYC most of her life, she's interacted with damn near every culture. This means she has funny lil anecdotes, but she always ends the story telling me she doesn't care who I bring home as long as they are good to me.
• She teaches me curse words in other languages.

Friday Dedication

To that chic who shook my hand Monday night with the strength and stamina of Shorty #4, actually scratch that... Shorty #4 would've given me more resistance. Thanks for wasting 2 seconds of my life. To make matters worse, you pretended not to know me. I assume this dead fish handshake and stranger act was spurred by the fact that I came with your "ex-hookup" who just happens to be my neighbor. Well then, I will pretend to flirt and be fond of him for the next 20 minutes just to piss you off.

I find it completely revolting and an insult to receive a weak handshake from either chics or dudes. Visions of taking that weak wrist and using your own hand to smack you in the face come to mind...

Friday Dedication

Your ego always took credit for comments that did not concern you, but this one Buddy (oops, I know you hate when I call you that...) is all yours. Enjoy!

Where to begin... I won't go into gory details, but it took me all of 5 minutes to cyber-detective my way to the truth. This whole situation is great data for my tech-savvy dating post btw(which will hopefully appear next week). My effer salute this week goes out to someone who bullshitted me for months and whom I completely cut contact from (for quite some time)... Mr. Facebook Poker himself. So, I go soft. Fine, I'll let you know how I'm doing... Fine, maybe I'll pretend I care how you're doing (when in all honesty, sure I'd like you to be healthy but that's where my concern ends). It dawns on me yesterday–wouldn't I look like a fool if I'm giving Buddy an inch and he's dating a certain someone... especially when Buddy's main concern was devoting time to his career for the future that would possibly involve me. Hmm... A: Should I ask Buddy flat out? B: Should I get crafty? Since Craft is in my nature, I chose B. AND, what do I find??? A virtual scrapbook with photos accompanying dates of Buddy's love affair. Freakin' ouch, Buddy! Although I had already cut Buddy out of my life, it was a hard pill to swallow seeing Mr. Sincerity (aka Mr. Facebook Poker/aka Buddy) spending many intimate moments when he was supposed to be working on his "business plan". Maybe I somewhat deserve (see ex. 4) this for being an initial shallow b*tch, but you and I both know I proved myself and then some...

Buddy... your biggest draw (at least for me) was your sincerity. I am so impressed/in awe of people that can truly be who they are in any situation. Unfortunately, it's such a rare quality these days. I told you once that you had a disarming nature... Yeah, now I think that was show. A freakin' sham. I have smiley-toothed evidence (with accompanying dates) of what a sham you are. You just lost your biggest selling-point (tear/tear).

This is the last bit of effort that I will devote to you Buddy. I'd hate for you to think that all your insincerity was enough for me to skip a beat. Actually, after viewing your virtual romp of love, I went shopping/tanning and then joined my lovely lady friends for happy hour. So Cheers! I hope you name a taco after me... shall I suggest –The Trifecta: sweet, sour & spicy, with extra avocado (you know how I love avocado!).

Friday Dedication

This goes out to all the dudes out there that like to pose this question:

"So, why are you still single?"

I would give you the full "effer salute", but I believe (in general) you honestly intend this to be a compliment. Unfortunately, that is not how we are receiving it. We are immediately put on the defense. We assume that you assume there is something wrong with us. The following are a couple responses that come to mind:

• I’m single because I’m a picky witch
• I’m single because all my options look and smell like you
• I’m single because I’m the type of girl that keeps a list of dealbreakers
• I’m single because my big mouth is overpowering for your weak frame
• I’m single because I can anticipate the trouble you’ll bring and I’d rather not
• I’m single because my last boyfriend interfered with my mandatory 8 hours
• I’m single because I don’t go out till 10 and all the reasonable men are home by then swirling ‘round their whiskey stones
• I’m single because I’m unimpressed with your day job and your small dreams
• I’m single because I fear the wrath of your baby Mama
• I’m single because you tried to red box my @ss on the 2nd date
• I’m single because you won’t stop posting your dumb@ss opinions on facebook
• I’m single because I do celebratory dances at every small victory and am a sore freakin’ loser
• I’m single because as soon as you asked me that question I counted you out
• I’m single because you had a nasty upbringing and have weak family values
• I’m single because you watched Swingers one to many times and still draw quotes from it
• I’m single because I feel the need to have this “I’m single because” list and you’ll read it and count me out
• I’m single because you have no sense of humor
• I’m single because you don’t believe in mattress pads or shower curtain liners
• I’m single because I’m always thinking of how our offspring will look
• I’m single because you have no new tricks to show me
• I’m single because you think I need sensitivity training
• I’m single because your beer of choice is Bud
• I'm single because I care about silly things like your beer of choice and I don't even drink beer
• I’m single because you max out at a 6.75 and I can reach a full 10
• I’m single because your cojones are the size of apple jacks
• I’m single because your not an @ss-man
• I’m single because you’d insist on me taking that horrible last name of yours
• I’m single because THIS is how I react when unfed
• I’m single because I think (know) I’m REALLY special damnit

Friday Dedication

Not to be confused with the "Hey" violation... This goes out to the "men" that address females with the "Hey Girl" salutation. I hear/read this and immediately have gag-reflexes. It is completely unacceptable to address a female over the age of 21 as "girl". If you're a redneck from the sticks and know no better, then maybe I'll let it slide... But as a semi-educated man in the year 2010, you must know that this salutation is disrespectful! Wiki will once again back me up...

Last time I checked I was a self-sufficient GAW (grown @ss woman) that could probably teach you a trick or two. Speaking of tricks... the only scenario where "girl" would be deemed appropriate: anytime pigtails are involved (Halloween/Role Play). "Come here you naughty girl." Ok, fine.

I'd rather you prematurely call me, "Babe", "Baby". Other acceptable alternatives: (Hey/Hello/Hola) Sweetheart, Sweety, Sexy, Sugar, Sunshine, Hot Stuff, Hottie, Hot Mama, Hot Tamale, Firecracker, Honey, Hon, Boo, Love, Lovely, Goddess, Mi Amor, y Loca.

OR, how 'bout you get creative... think outside the box and come up with an original term of endearment specific to the chic whose attention you're trying to get. My personal/personal favorites: Shorty Roc, Hot Sauce and Tsunami.

Friday Dedication

This is for you Mr. Facebook Poker. 

Too lazy and lame to send a proper hello, so you virtually poke. Is that lil pointer finger supposed to mean that you're thinking of me? That you want me to think of you? Or even worse, that you're sorry? Save it. Don't waste ALL that effort. I don't respond well to pokes unless I'm guaranteed a happy ending. If you can "poke" me then why can't I give you a punch to the gut or kick to the shin (my natural instinct). May I suggest a phone call or even an email outlining your love and devotion.

Just sayin'