Ooh... Scary true.

Minefields 

In every person there is a minefield. These bombs were created by pain, betrayal, heartbreak, abuse, and abandonment throughout our lives. Some people have more than others, but we all have them. We bury these bombs deeper and deeper because they scare us and because it’s much easier to skim over the surface and pretend they don’t exist. We avoid situations that might set them off. We lash out at the people close to us who threaten to unearth them. But when we ignore them, they get stronger. They bore deep wells of insecurity. They make us feel heavy and unworthy. And most importantly, they make it impossible for us to live deeply, openly, and without fear. The most generous thing we can do is find our bombs and blow them up. Go to counseling if you need help. Write your truth until you start to cry. Stop ignoring the pain you buried. Dig it up, detonate it, and—here’s the part you can’t skip over—feel it. It will hurt like hell. Really though, feel it. The world is full of people carefully retracing a path they know to be safe. Don’t be like them. Jump on your grenades. For a moment you’ll be shattered, but when the smoke clears, trust me, you’ll see—this is the only way we can be whole.

via

Happiness is a journey

"An idea is not a design,
but it is an invitation to a journey.

A design is not a prototype,
but it is a plan for moving forward.

A prototype is not a program,
but it is a test for your assumptions.

A program is not a product,
but it is a milestone towards progress.

A product is not a business,
but it is the first fruit of an idea.

A business is not profits,
but it is a team behind your back.

Profits is not an exit,
but it is validation of your work.

And an exit is not happiness,
but happiness is not a destination.

Happiness is a journey."

A thoughtful response to Mike Seller’s posting on quora, by Tony Chu, MFA Interaction Design student at SVA.

via

Copy, Transform, Combine

"By idolizing those whom we honor we do a disservice both to them and to ourselves... we fail to recognize that we could go and do likewise." Charles V. Willie

This is the basis for the videos I watched this morning. Everything is a Remix is a series that examines artists and inventors and how their coping/borrowing/stealing led to their greatness (growing/transforming/evolving). Some good stuff here, check it out:

2011/08 Kirby Ferguson from CreativeMornings on Vimeo.

Don't sweat the Universe

From now on when I get annoyed at my check engine light or when I get pissed at the people around me not performing like they should... I'll just take a couple minutes and look at this.
Slide in and out of the large and lil of it all... See I just lost my problem. Try it!

via

How to be emotionally stable without getting bored

Let's go deep... this is sweet! via, check out the text here

:)

Grow, dammit!

It's sometimes difficult to get accept words of encouragement from people that are not designers or artists... because frankly, I don't believe they understand my struggles. And just when I was looking for some... I found it via swiss miss, thank you!

Also here. I'm not a young/new designer, but I think we all (from time2time) need to be reminded of the essentials:
10 Lessons for young designers
Wieden+Kennedy’s Executive Creative Director, John C Jay
1: Be authentic. The most powerful asset you have is your individuality, what makes you unique. It’s time to stop listening to others on what you should do.
2: Work harder than anyone else and you will always benefit from the effort.
3: Get off the computer and connect with real people and culture. Life is visceral.
4: Constantly improve your craft. Make things with your hands. Innovation in thinking is not enough.
5: Travel as much as you can. It is a humbling and inspiring experience to learn just how much you don’t know.
6: Being original is still king, especially in this tech-driven, group-grope world.
7: Try not to work for stupid people or you’ll soon become one of them.
8: Instinct and intuition are all-powerful. Learn to trust them.
9: The Golden Rule actually works. Do good.
10: If all else fails, No. 2 is the greatest competitive advantage of any career.

on NOT leaving it to the imagination...

Not too long ago, I had a mini-freakout when it dawned on me that I might be screwing my chances with future prospects with this blog. It's honestly an idea that I've toyed around with but never given too much credit to. Until the other week, when I thought what if Dude were to read what I just wrote, he might be A: pissed, B: turned-off or C: both. So, I contacted my friend Sly Fox for an honest answer. My question: What if you were the "Dude" in the recent post and you read it... Would you be mad at me? His response: No. You're post stated the obvious; boys get frustrated when a  girl won't sleep with them. Men know it's just the way things are. He just sounds like a pussy. Me: While we're at it... What if you were another Dude that was trying to "talk" to me... Would you think less of me? Him: That answer is too complex for txt. I've been worried about this blog, and it's impact on your future lovers, since you started it. Ouch! That stung. He unfortunately confirmed my fears.

His reasoning (after convo) was that it might be inhibiting Dudes from getting to know me in the traditional sense... where you discover the nuances of a person in-person. He thought maybe I should be a lil more secretive of the blog, perhaps take it off of facebook and not make it known to Dudes till later in the "discovery process".

I see his/this point. A bit ago, I went on a date with Dude that had a blog of his own. Actually the whole premise of him asking me out was so we could blog about it (though I believe he just saw this as an easy "way in"). Regardless, I read his material and it came across more like a manual of dating do's and dont's. And, all I kept thinking on the date was that I hoped he wasn't trying to use that tactical bullshit on me. He was way less predatory in person, so in this case having read this background info backfired because I was overanalyzing his actions.

BUT, I do think there is a plus to laying it all out–putting the cards on the table, etc. Mainly, saving time! I'm not everyone's cup of tea, so what's the point in investing my much needed minutes if you don't find me charming or amusing. Next! There is usually a playful intro period where everyone is on their best behavior, lot's of false promises... "Sure, I like concerts/festivals!" Only to find out they have social anxiety. No thanx. I'd rather bypass this period.

Yes, but what about the nuances? I'm not giving ME all up on here. There are many/many things I don't give away. Like I fancy the F-word way more than I actually use it on here ;) In all seriousness, I look forward to discovering a person's nuances, but it's the major differences I'd like to get out of the way. You say no to family, I say no to you. Your taste in music sucks, then you better have some major positive attributes to counteract that.

I was immediately nautious after hearing Sly Fox's reaction and advice. It made me second guess alot of steps I'd taken. That day I took a Body Flow class at the gym and during our cool-down/mediation session–I could not relax. As I'm supposed to be letting my body sink into the mat and let the stress melt away, all I could do was curse... Why should I have to filter myself or hide my lil creative outlet? Frankly, there is no one in my life that I like enough to do so and even if I did I'd hope he'd have a sense of humor. I'm in total take-me-as-I-am mode. Maybe that's a turn-off to men, but I need my man with a backbone and balls (maybe 5).

I keep laughing about people crying...

I can't help it. At times I do this out of nervousness... Awkward situation=I laugh. But this is not out of awkwardness... Something inside of me thinks it's just plain funny. A friend called me recently, pretty late and EXTREMELY distraught. They were soooooooooooooo upset and I tried to console them, but frankly they were inaudible. The sounds that were coming out of their mouth did not sound human. Quite scary actually and I couldn't help but laugh. This was easier to disguise over the phone and I was basically just a friend to listen to her rant. So I did just that and muffled my laughter.

I did sympathize with her though...

Last night, another friend started to recant a story about an "emotional" drive. It started out with, "I cried today." Me: hysterical laughter. Even after they went into detail about why they felt sentimental. Me: hysterical laughter. I apologized for this, but couldn't stop laughing.

I did think it was nice of this friend to share this moment with me though...

All this leads me to believe I'm becoming a heartless witch. Well this in combination with: I can't relate to any Alicia Keys songs. I mean, I can kinda remember feeling all "hung" over someone or feeling "bent", "lovesick", "yearning", "lust", but lately I can't attribute any of those feelings to anyone. Ugh! In a way, I guess it's a good thing... I can't imagine someone getting me soooooooooo upset that I start speaking in tongue's like my gf in paragraph 1. But I crave emotion like a crack fein (maybe "meth addict" would be more appropriate). I want to sing Alicia Keys at the top of my longs and really feel it. "Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you." I'm gonna do more than find a way, I'm gonna do a dance and name it after myself because I'm not even thinking of you.

Some dude read this recently and said that it's pretty obvious that I want to be in love. Actually here are his exact words (yes, I'm quoting you jerkoff): "I also see that you REALLY would love to find someone you can say those dangerous words to. But there's so many bamas out there." Well yes, damnit (and was capitalizing "really" really freakin' necessary???). Why the hell not??? Why wouldn't you want to be in love? No one even talks about it these days. It's the whole Up in the Air complex. It's easier to keep people at a distance and I think I've been doing it for so long that I'm losing my edge. Yes, I think it's more edgy to actually give a shit. Since no one does, I'm going to be the trendsetter... a freakin' rebel!

If I could only stop laughing.

It's all about that subtle FU.

I had a hard time in college being too literal with my work. I've always had a very direct/blunt approach to art and to life in general. Some have called this aggressive, intimidating or just plain mean. I've been told that my demeanor has kept people from approaching me. I recently chatted it up with some college buddies and one of them told me his roommate had a crush on me but was too intimidated to "go there". I've heard instances like this before, but I was kinda annoyed at this one because I had a major crush on this dude back in the day. Oh well...

I've tried to work on my subtlety over the years. It's a true artform, can't say that I've mastered it. I think it'll be a life long process (like patience). I'm attracted to work and like to create work that has a nice healthy balance of sweet n' saucy, light n' dark, soft n' hard edges, humor mixed with honest sobering moments... This is how I like my men as well.

In a time where head-games are commonplace and one-upping is sport, isn't it nice to know where I stand? Believe me, I love a good game and I can play with the best of'em... I just choose not to.
☜That was Halloween '99? btw (not so subtle)

Thanks to Sly Fox for sending me a link to Locher's site, where FU is presented in such a sweet way. The following are a couple of my favorites:





In the same light... Here are a couple other pieces on my wishlist:


Crab Claw Necklace • Hummingbird Skull Necklace • Porcelain Beaver Skull • Bi-King Wall Mount

The last who(rah)!

So I scheduled my last online dating meet-up for this past Sunday night–the tail end of a jam/packed weekend. I had been communicating with this dude for a bit and after telling him I was through with POF, I gave him my personal contact info. Although I was completely exhausted, I kept my promise to meet for a drink or 2–even after I got wind of some sort of accent. Part of me thought, Wouldn't it be poetic to connect with my last attempt at this thing (that's Disney talkin'). I asked him to meet me at a newish spot in Federal Hill so that I wouldn't have any run-ins with locals. We actually ran into each other while parking, kinda awkward. More awkward when I realized I wouldn't be able to stand much of the accent and he was way nerdier than I like'm. Then I thought to myself, Could it end any other way?...nope. We walk up to the spot and it's closed. I try to think fast but he suggests a bar that we passed. Of course it's a pretty popular spot where I'm sure to run into familiar faces... I reluctantly agree.

He was not a totally bad looking dude, just needed some work/styling. If I had patience and there were more hours in a day–I might've helped him, but the freakin' accent was killer. He was from Cleveland, Ohio which translates into annoying. His "happy's" were more like "haaaaaaapy" (drop the tongue). I spent the majority of time jotting down a list of alterations in my head... ditch the nerdy glasses for contacts, grow out his hair, ditch the linen shirt!, speech therapy. The whole scene screamed awkward, which naturally was a perfect opportunity for me to run into several people I knew. Two drinks and a slew of yawns later–I call it quits.

So there it is folks. A very un-momentous ending to my adventures in online dating. It all ends with a handshake, yup a handshake. Perhaps I'll revisit the process later on in life, but for now I'm done. Back to meeting men the old fashioned way... drunk at a bar. I've met some quality people at bars btw. And, I've honestly met some interesting people online as well, like: –the inflated dude that sold energy drinks and wore club clothes to a Raven's game –the English dude that had a raunchy sense of humor and crooked teeth –the law student dude that didn't get my humor and had piss poor taste in music –the government dude whose ego could rival a nominated Kanye West at an awards show –the dude with a sick body and even more sickening Southern drawl –the divorcé double agent dude who was guilty of premature babe(ing) –the tormented writer dude who boasted about his illegal activities –the scientist dude studying ear cells and whose mandatory cheers of choice was "la heim" –the firefighter dude that I got snowed in with and had me silently chanting "redrum"

Yes this past year (+3 months) has been busy... I didn't date all these dude's either (so stop your judgement). Lots of Hello/Goodbye's and new friends in all sorts of places. Lil Miss Taco Tuesday likes to joke that my theme song is "Another one bites the dust". I will say that I have never been more clear on what will and will not work for me. I'm open to the possibility that my match might not come in Johnny packaging, but I demand that his heart and intentions match that kind of pretty. Tonight perhaps I'll poor some wine on the stoop for prospect's of dating past... Sounds nice in theory, but that would be a waste.

I’m a jerk and here are some examples.

Example 1: I stole this mug Friday night from a cabbie. This is just one example of what a self-serving snot I can be when I’m drunk. I’ve done worse but I feel really bad about this one. The mug has not moved from my counter. I’m scared to touch it. My bad energy is all over it. I'm trying to figure out what I can do with it to reverse my kharma. I have been tipping my cabbies very well since then. I figure I have at least a year of over-tipping to make up for it.

There comes a certain point in a night of heavy drinking when I call it quits... Lights out. Nothing good will come out of my mouth or from my actions and it happens pretty quickly. Usually following shots–which I absolutely can not handle any more. Most times my immediate reaction is to leave. I want my bed and I could care less who I’m with. Example 2: Saturday morning, I also woke up to a “U suck” message from one of my good friends that I apparently ditched.

Example 3: One year, after a long day at Brew at the Zoo, an old friend and I came back to my place. Being the gentleman that he was... He offered to walk my girlfriend home who lived 8 doors down. Cool, but in the 8 or so minutes it took him to walk there and back–I completely passed out. He banged repeatedly on the doors and windows but no answer. He walked back to my girlfriends house but she had already left for a late-night snack. So my sweet county friend was stuck in Pigtown with no idea where to go. He ended up walking to Martin Luther King Blvd and hailing a cab. Luckily nothing happened to him. And this was someone that I was actually interested in. Sometimes I have an odd (effed up) way of showing interest. I can think of several other scenarios where my interest could be misinterpreted as selfishness.

Not only am I a selfish lush, but I’m fairly superficial. I lie–I do have an idea in my head as to the type of guy I should be with and he looks a lot like Johnny (of course!). I’ve pushed dudes away based on some really dumb nitpicky shiz. Height is a big issue with me. My “type” has typically been tall. I equate height with strength and security, though I’m not sure what I need protection from.

Example 4: Let’s say not too long ago... I dismissed a dude based pretty much on height alone, even though we had a great time together–even though he was the only dude that I looked forward to spending time with and didn’t make me break out in hives after long periods of said time. Dude was very good to me and I just couldn’t picture us together. I even went as far as telling him straight out, “I don’t see us developing into a relationship.” Honestly the attraction was not there at that moment. I had this ideal “Johnny” in my head and this dude didn’t fit. So I go away and realize that maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m passing up on someone that I really need in my life. I come back and express that I might have made a mistake, but too late–damage done.

This last example has shook me. A serious slap. It’s made me take a 2nd look at my relationships and maybe give 2nd chances to dudes I would instantly dismiss. This is time-consuming though... And according to this theory, with enough time and positive thought I can make myself dig anyone. Where is the passion/fun in that???

I’m just currently resolved to be a lil more open (and be better about saying no to shots). I spend a lot of time on here highlighting flaws in others. I thought it was only fair that I be honest with mine... but I’m done for now. It’s way more fun to highlight Yours.

New show idea...

I'd like to pitch it to MTV...
It's called 31 and on Birth Control. Do you think they'd go for it? I can bring the drama, especially for a sponsor. I would put the money to way better use than those stupid brats on 16 and Pregnant. Their babies are screwed for life anywayz. I could use the money for my monthly Pill Bill which keeps rising! For years/post-college I would continue to go to the clinic and get free yearly supplies. I'd say I was still a student (I really liked education) or just show them a waitressing pay stub and pay $2 bucks. At my previous job a pack of birth control ran me about $10/month. Current job about $15/month until NOW with insurance hike... $26/month. I'm pissed. To add insult to injury, the jerks will only give you 1 pack at a time. I'm very close to getting back in line with the Baby Mama's and claiming I'm unemployed. Hell if broke Hipsters are dining on wild salmon, heirloom tomatoes and triple crème cheese, than I don't feel bad for taking advantage of the system.
Geez, soon I'll be drinking rail, eating at Olive Garden and dating this guy ☟

... the horror!

Until I find someone to "kill a small horse" for me...

...I'll continue to explore my options. Today on Stephanie Klein's Greek Tragedy, I read this post (in response to a reader's request for advice):

"Here’s the one cliche that holds true on both sides: love something, set it free. If it’s yours, it’ll come back to you… and YOU will want it back. Can you live constantly trying to outsmart, outmaneuver love? Yeah. But it’s no way to live. Bottom line, though, and don’t forget this: if a man loves you, he’ll move heaven and earth to be with you. He’ll choose you, put your relationship first, before any decision he might have made once upon a time before you. If world traveler loved me the way he proclaimed, he would have delayed the trip until we could take it together and let "us" be the adventure. He wouldn’t have let our "now" become a "what if." So I guess what I’m saying is, make sure he’d kill a small horse for you. Once you know he’d do anything to be with you, to stay with you, to explore the possibility of an "us," then you can worry about how hard you both might fall. But you’ll worry together. If he’s not stopping everything for you, I wouldn’t put both feet into the relationship. I’d find a new pair of strappy sandals and choose a different direction.

Ahh, strappy sandals... Just in time for the nice weather!

Letting reality be reality.

Black and white is hands down my favorite color combination–it's classic, crispy and dramatic. Come visit my apartment, open my closet doors–you'll see. But when it comes to my personal life I invent a million shades of gray. I concoct elaborate story lines for why the characters in my life aren't there. This goes for family, friends and lovers alike.

Let's see: Family... maybe she was brainwashed by some Santeria-like cult and must swear-off any prior ties. Friends... maybe she's dating someone new, someone running for office who would be offended by how many times I use "fucker" in a sentence. Lover... maybe he has a "Love Child" and has sworn to be a better father than he had, so their eloping-even though he really wants to be with me. Who knows, but chances are that the reality is not that complex. I'm just not that important (to them). That's the black of it.

I need to save that imagination, channel that creativity into something or someone worthwhile (me). Paint, sew, and bake with all those shades. Keep it in or give it to those who have always been there and who always will be. I'm gonna bake me a cake today... better yet, a flan for you!

This will be the year of...

HONSAUCE, of St. Germain, THE HEARTY PROJECT, Zumba and BODY PUMP, Flash and FLASHINESS, Patience, 7AM WAKEUPS, 11pm Winddowns, TRUFFLE OIL, Spontaneity, GLOBE HOPPING, Page Turners, HELLO'S and Bridges, PATIENCE, Deep Breaths, LA SALSERA, my Backhand, HOPE and Faith, CHECKINS and Checkups, FLOSSIN', Honesty, CHEERSING, Embracing, NEW VOCAB, More Color, PATIENCE and above all else... Love.