Hands down–the most entertaining internet dating profile

Single Malt Scotch • Hop Scotch • Hippies On Speed • Oysters • Shark Attacks • Eating Light Bulbs • Close Encounters • Tantra • Crabbing • The Sear Christmas Catalog • Shop Until I Drop • Making Out • Guzzling Beer • Golden Girls and Threes Company • YOU • YOU and ME Making sweet LOVE • Dead Beat Dads • Pole Vault • Amateur Porn

My moto...HIT IT, QUIT IT and FORGET IT!!!! Just kidding...haha, ACTUALLY I AM NOT! Anyway, I am positive that most who clicked on my profile to read something sweet and innocent are already disappointed by the fact I will not promise to sweep anyone away on my magic carpet to MAUI. If your turned off by now, GOOD! There is no guarantees in life, with the exception of death. And he ain't no fool. If you still are reading my profile, and more importantly, laughing your ass off, then we connect in the simple fact of its absurdity. As a matter of fact, you are who I want to LOVE LONG TIME, NO SHIT! A woman with a solid sense of humor, and I am not talking Bill Cosby style, although he is fuuny, and the ideology of sex not being such a TABOO (my favorite porn) is what attracts me the most. I do have a personality, and I don't look at gender as strictly genitalia. Although, I am only attracted to those who don't have a wee-wee. Anyway, ladies, times have changed and I never reveal my hand until the river card is turned! Therefore, I will not bore you with stupid details of who I am, what I aspire, and the exact traits I feel best fits my ideal relationship...it would be looking at the Sears catalog as a kid and drafting this long drawn out toy list you wanted for Christmas starting in July...unrealistic, and you never get everything you want anyway...stupid ass socks and underwear! So, life is not perfect, but you can find some flaws that are fun! I guess that sums it up, so read below and gage who I am. But beware, if you judge a book by its cover then you will never know its ending.

OPTION 1: Dinner w/ me and Tom Foolery, the Lambada, Hot Wax w/Apple Cider, Nude Scrabble, a Fine Cigar w/a glass of Single Malt Scotch, then sexy time
OPTION 2: Start the night off with a shag, and end it with a make-out session while tandem skiing off the back of a tug boat on the way to Pusser's! Strong thighs needed for this option.
OPTION 3: Skateboarding, TV Dinner, Roller Skating to Journey while holding hands through the Gaslamp, and then head over to****s for some cotton candy and a couple of shots of Bourbon, then pass out in the square w/the homeless.
OPTION 4: Mixing any of the three options above to include hot oil massage w/option of happy ending. Even before we move into sexy time! Then finish the night off smoking a fine Cuban and sipping on red wine while we sit on my deck naked throwing eggs at folks who pass by.
OPTION 5: Whatever crosses our minds to include spankings, shaving (if you have a 70s Bush), a 10lbs dumb-bell, a miniture pony, and a red-headed midget named Clyde.

This is exactly the oddball shiz that catches my attention. Unfortunately, this guy could either be insanely charismatic or a psychopath... there's a fine line.

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